Dead in my mind, and Cold to the Bone;

So it's been a long time. Too long. So much has gone on, so much has happened- and I feel that it will

take me forever to tell; but I need to get it out.

Let's see, the last day I said anything was April 20th. That means that I have seven days to make up.

I'm going to rush through this, I have a lot to catch up on . . .

Well, I've been spending a lot of time with Keith and the group.

Nothing too interesting until April 23rd. Taylor, Keith, myself and Genevieve were going to stay the night at G's, but Mike said no. So she stayed while Tay, Keith and I looked for a place to sleep for the night. Finding nothing, we resorted to Keith's house. It was alright with his mother, and she was leaving anyways. It was very late. Tay and Keith played video games for a good long while, and then decided to pop in a movie and drift into slumber. Taylor slept on the floor, while Keith and I were on the bed. After a while, one thing led to another and I lost my virginity . . . 

After a good 20-30 minutes, he stopped. He didn't think that I wanted it. He felt so horrible. So scared. So we stopped. I started crying. I'm not exactly sure why.  I thought about Ty, and all the things that he's said to me . . .  I don't know, I think it had something to do with the fact that he told me he loved me . . .  God, so yeah. No more innocence.

I've been spending a lot of time at Katie's as well, It's basically become my second home. Eventually, my mom got tired of never seeing me after about five nights; and insisted that I come home. So here I am, the second night that I've not been at Katie's.

I lost ten pounds in a week, and gained it all back . . .  For this, I am terribly pissed. I did it once, I can do it again, and more efficiently. Mary and Sunny's birthday up in the mountains is coming up the weekend before school is out. We're all gonna get wasted, trip shrooms and a whole lotta other shit. Keith will be there, and I can already assure that things will happen. I have to be thin. I must be. If Im not, I might just fucking kill myself. 

 - - -  Ever since that night with Keith, we've kind of distanced ourselves from each other.

Today at school, Allan was all over me. But I must say- I didn't exactly stop him either. It was awful. We were playfully holding hands and shit, he almost kissed me twice. God, I don't know . . .

I was also speaking to Dustin more today about Keith. He told me that from what he's heard, and what he's observed- Keith doesn't care, and there's nothing there. I don't know, I can't tell to be perfectly honest . . .

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I don't fucking know...

Tomorrow, I'm restarting the ABC Diet. I'll finish it this time. Goddamnmetohell, if I don't.

Random Lovely Thinspo - Reality Check

Why can they do it, and I can never seem to get there?

I will never fucking know, but this time . . .

This time It'll happen.

I'll make it happen, it has to.

Tired, Weak, and already on the verge of breaking.

So it's 2:04pm. I didn't go to classes today, I felt horrible. Yesterday, I completed day one of the "Ana Boot Camp, ABC Diet." But as I began to get hungry, I tired to go to sleep. Laying there, all I could think about was food. Nothing else. After a few hours, I threw off the duvet, and dashed into the kitchen... 

Day one, and I'm already a fucking failure. 

Let's see, I ate 3 eggs, 4 pieces of white bread, 2 pop tarts, and about 8 whole wheat zeta crackers.

I'm not even going to calculate the calories. It will only shove my wrong doing in my face even more.

Failing, hurting, depressed, I grabbed my razor blade. My deeds could not go unpunished . . .

I haven't cut myself in almost a year now, but I can't say that any longer. I was defeated . . .

And it feels absolutely disgusting.

Today, I was supposed to be allowed 500 calories. But due to last night's binge, I must fast.

I've lost five pounds in the course of two days. I've been failing and picking myself up again. 

I know that in two days, five pounds should be considered a blessing. But it's still not enough.

I'm not happy. 

I'll never fucking be happy. I never win . . .

Not by myself at least, but with Ana by my side- I should be able to succeed this time . . .

Right?

===

Starting Weight: 140lbs

Weight Today: 135lbs

Highest Weight: 142lbs

Lowest Weight: 110lbs

Goal Weight: 115-110lbs

Yet another, Fresh start.

Allow me to introduce myself,

   I have a number of names. You can call me which ever: Even Seen, KSMSFB, or Dessie. I felt the need to properly greet whoever you may be- reader of this blog. I hope that I do not bore you if you happen to come across my words on some other occasion. As most blogs are used for, I will be posting random things here- based on how I feel, what happened, inspiration, etc...

Farewell.

Well, it's 3:11 am at the moment, a bit past the usual time I've been heading to bed. Many things were planned to occur tonight, but none did. Quite disappointing to tell you the truth. But one thing that did happen unexpectedly, was that I have come up with a plan. A rather destructive plan, but none the less, beneficial. I have succumbed to my eating disorder. I did the foolish thing and let myself be won over by guilt, shame, and envy.

I have found two websites of which that I fancy. They have been better than most I have come across.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit drained, yet at the same time- the closest to 'happy' that I have felt in quite some time. I know the reason for these feelings, both good and bad. 

Recently, my past has been catching up with me too quickly. I no longer have the time or chance to run away. I have tried facing the problems, and have gotten no where. In my position, I no longer have a choice. I'll make it out, I'll make sure of it. 

Due to my recent move, I have settled in quite firmly; and have adapted well. I've lived in this mountain hole- in Colorado for months now, and already I have found another human being that makes me truly happy. One of these days, I just might tell you about him. If you would care to know, which I doubt you do. x]

It would seem that I have balance, but in all honesty, I do not. I wish that I did, I'm sure that it would be much more peaceful . . .

Anyhow, I must leave now. It's pretty late, and I have many things to do, and people to see. Tomorrow, If I'm up for it, I'll post some of my thinspirations and such. Might even inform of how the day went.

Until then, goodbye, and goodnight.

===

Even Seen